August 26th, 2000

It's funny, the things you remember. Like, on this day and around this time six years ago, I was being dropped off at my brother's house in preparation for his wedding that day. His fiance and fiance's sister and I went to Swizzle Sticks in Kensington first thing that morning to get our hair and make-up done. We had lunch at Red Robins. It was the first time I ever felt like I had sisters. Because it was, really. I miss her. But mainly I miss her because it hurts my brother so much now that she's not a part of his life any more. I worry about him so much sometimes, it hurts to speak.

It scares me too, you know. I really live by the examples that have been set before me. And I know that I'm my own person and Marcus and I aren't at all like my brother and his wife or like my parents, but it's hard not to see those examples and wonder what will happen to us. I want it to be like my parents, you know, and be able to stick it out through 36+ years of marriage or like my grandparents who are onto their like 56th. But I can only make it happen 50% of the way. It's up to the other person to make it 100%, since you can't be married to yourself. I guess that's what I've learned from my brother's divorce. You can love a person all you want and make sacrifices for them, but if they don't love or work just as hard, the relationship can't happen. I'm not saying there's an in balance in my relationship with Marcus or anything like that. I'm just saying, I wonder what will happen to us?

Abundance is loving someone
and being able to live your lives together.

aaahh, what just happened?

Okay, so my tip for the week, possibly the month... do not rent UltraViolet. Don't. Just don't. No. Watched it last night. I have no idea what we watched. It certaintly wasn't a movie, you know, with like a plot, storyline, character development, good action or fight scenes, cool futuristic stuff. None of that. The only thing I enjoyed was how her clothes changed colour. That's it. Not even the three seconds of the movie where Mila is naked makes UltraViolet worth renting. I thought maybe it was just me, but when Marcus says half way through the movie, "I feel like my soul has been tainted", you know it's bad. I personally got a stomach ach. And we couldn't bring ourselves to eat the ice cream we bought at sev 'cause we didn't want to ruin perfectly delicious ice cream. So, ya, don't rent it and especially don't rent it with someone unless you're trying to run them off from your life.

work, dance, food, art, sleep

I know I've been writting about my art lately and not much about my life (although they're very much intertwined at this point). Anyway, thought I would dwell on the mundane for a bit.

Been getting up around 6am most days, except for today. Been working. Finally gotten to the point where the keywording is becoming pretty second nature. And yes, I find myself doing it through the entire course of the day, whether I'm walking down the street or sleeping. Been trying to fit time in the afternoon to do my dance workout. I'm so out of shape, it's not funny. No, not funny at all. I can only really do just over 30min, with a bit of warm up and cool down. But I enjoy it. The cat sits there and watches me. She doesn't really get it. I've also been fitting in about an hour of art society stuff most days, well , maybe 4 days a week. I make supper. Nothing too exciting in that department. I spend about 45min - an hour doing my hand-stitching art sitting out on the balcony in the evening, watching the neighbourhood cats below. And then I spend another half hour working on whatever other art stuff needs getting done (postcards, sketches, writing). Then I give the cat here treats and read in bed for about an hour in order to wind by brain down enough to sleep. That's a day in the life of the Future Mrs. R. Oh, there's lots of kissing and playing and talking with the cat throughout the day, and in the evening there's lots of kissing and talking with Marcus, but no playing, because he generally has a meeting with his business partners. But I understand. It leaves me to do my art.

And then there are the few days a month where the mundane stops, like going to Science World and seeing the Egyptian Lego exhibition. Way cool. And playing with weird science stuff and being pushed out of the way by children or having the children show you how the mechanism works. I'm a bit slow when it comes to science. We also had the lovely Frenches over for Sunday afternoon slurpees and dinner one day, finally, after a year. And of course, there was the most super-ific day, August 8th to be exact. Most definately the farthest from mundane. It will stick with me for the rest of my life... shopping for beautiful sparkly diamond rings. That day may be slightly overshadowed when the opportunity comes for me to wear the gorgeous bling, but I won't forget it. How can I? He treated me like a princess and took the first step to saying, "I want to be with you for the rest of my life". Thank you. I needed that.

the pink stuff

Art is the demonstration that the ordinary

is extraordinary.

-Amedee Ozenfant

So, here it is. Gumshoe II. Completed and shipped. I sincerely hope it survived the journey and didn't melt or break. I overcame some technical difficulties faced in the first gumshoe and definately improved the design process. Hope it's new owner appreciates the "pinkness" to it.

I know that all through art school, professors nagged and nagged at us about how important it was to simply produce work; the importance of making the time and absorbing ourselves into the art world. Well, I guess I finally understand. Two years out of school, and I'm finally getting it. It took a year to switch from the education world to the real world and let my creative batteries re-juice a bit. Another year to find the drive to make art again and re-learn everything that my mind and hands had forgotten. I still can't draw a self-portrait without it looking like I drew it back in grade eight. So, I'm still dealing with basic drawing exercises. It will come with time and plenty of work.

And the difference in how I feel, from not doing any art to producing a small variety... it might just be the exposure to the sun, finally, but some of it has to do with getting my creative side going again. Seriously, it's like the difference between being depressed and, well, not be depressed. But hey, some of it's about the sun, so don't think I'm claiming that art is the ultimate healing power. Art just helps a bit.

I don't think you can really feel good mentally by just dipping your toe in the creative juices. Pretty sure you have to be at least ankle deep before you'll benefit from anything it has to offer. That said, however, get your ass off the couch and go to a gallery or museum. It's one small, but very good, step towards getting your art career back on track. The next step is committing to an on-going art project, even if it's just with yourself. Keep the idea small and the time committment even smaller, so you don't overwhelm yourself. Before you know it, you'll be wanting to do more and put more time aside to create. Seriously, it happens. After several months you'll probably even be prepared to make some larger project committments. Take a risk. Get involved in the greater art community. Boom. You've just got your art practice going again.

And hey, no, you can't slack at any point now or in the future. Slackers aren't artists. It's the worse myth/cultural stereotype there is. Artists are not slackers, slackers cannot be artists. If you think you can just sit around at home and draw and some big shot will just hand you an exhibition space and a couple thousand dollars to travel and study art, forget it. Find another career choice. Get the hell out of the way, because I've got art to make. And ya, art is a "career" and a "profession". I'm not gonna dump it in some secondary hole titled "interest" or "hobby". Forget it. I'm done with that. I'm not gonna feel shitty about a practice that has influenced civilizations and cultures just as much as science and medicine. I'm gonna put art on a pedestal, write it on the top of the "to do" list, and live and breathe it. People with excuses, can zip it. If you have time to make an excuse for not doing art, you have time to make art. Period.

Done.

That's my rant.

Go on working, freely and furiously,
and you will make progress.
-Paul Gauguin

yep, one year...

...one year, indeed. One year ago, Marcus and I loaded up a uHaul truck and moved to the west coast. One year ago, we began living together. One year ago, I started my first job outside of retail in over 6 & 1/2 years. One year ago, well... there were a lot of changes. More than my body and mind could almost really deal with. But that was a year ago. I'm still functioning. I may not love it out here, but my love is here and so I stay and will most likely stay for the next 3-5 years (depending on how everything in our lives go).

It's not horrible. I love our apartment and our kitty Chloe keeps me company all day and night (she never leaves me alone, really, which is fine by me). I like the mild weather, although, I'm really gonna have to figure out some way to survive another gray, dark winter out here. Just another challenge in a string of challenges that seem to define our lives. But I keep pluggin away at it. That's all one can do really.

Happiness lies in the absorption in some
vocation which satisfies the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher

I've given up stressing over things I no longer really have control over. Instead, I've been focusing on my own stuff. I'm no longer gonna use the little free time I have in endeavors which no one else are interested in. Why should I sacrifice when there's no one there to back me up?! So I'm on to my own stuff, particularly my own artwork. I've been trying to do some art every day, whether that's hand stitching (this new series of works in progress), postcards, bubblegum art, or photography or whatever, makes no difference. My new moto is "there's always time to create". And sure, some nights, I just don't or can't, but those nights are far less than the creative ones, which is a huge step.

Also, gonna start working on the body health too. The art side fulfills some of the mental health, but my body has been taking a vacation for the past year. Sitting at the computer, not even having to walk anywhere to or from work, has taken its toll. My dance DVDs arrived yesterday, so I started in on them in the afternoon. Did about 45 min. of dance (which doesn't seem long, but I definately over did it and paid for it all night long). Just goes to show how dead my body really is. But I'm determined to improve.

This past week involved work, drying bubblegum shoe art, rain, virtual fish tank, pirates, big bling, drying herbs from the garden, more rain, migrains, and scrabble (which Marcus won). An incredible week actually. Thanks babe, for spending lots and lots of time with me. I know you'll soon be crazy busy with the company stuff. But I do appreciate it so much! And no, my heart hasn't stopped beating fast yet. Maybe I should walk down to the hospital...

in the mean time

I'm patiently waiting for my dance DVDs to arrive. Yep, seriously. It's my new plan in an attempt to tone and increase my cardio. I love dance, but I'm way too intimidated right now to take an actual class. Besides, it's way cheaper this way and I'll be able to do it more often than a once-a-week class. In the mean time, I'm trying to cut back on the coke and drink more water, but haven't quite given up on the candy and chocolate. Don't think I will either. Need the sugar boost in the afternoon to keep me going (especially since I get up at 6:20 every morning now... also a change I made recently to maximize my time on earth). However, besides these somewhat "healthy" changes, I've had the urged of late to smoke cigars. So the late evening is reserved, on occassion, to a stogie on the balcony. Balance. It's all about balance. And trying not to be wound so tight, as someone recently pointed out about me (thanks Mr. Brown, no really, I need that). If you have tips on how not to go crazy or how to feel like more than a waste, please be so kind as to let me know. So, here I am, still waiting for my dance DVDs...