August 26th, 2000

It's funny, the things you remember. Like, on this day and around this time six years ago, I was being dropped off at my brother's house in preparation for his wedding that day. His fiance and fiance's sister and I went to Swizzle Sticks in Kensington first thing that morning to get our hair and make-up done. We had lunch at Red Robins. It was the first time I ever felt like I had sisters. Because it was, really. I miss her. But mainly I miss her because it hurts my brother so much now that she's not a part of his life any more. I worry about him so much sometimes, it hurts to speak.

It scares me too, you know. I really live by the examples that have been set before me. And I know that I'm my own person and Marcus and I aren't at all like my brother and his wife or like my parents, but it's hard not to see those examples and wonder what will happen to us. I want it to be like my parents, you know, and be able to stick it out through 36+ years of marriage or like my grandparents who are onto their like 56th. But I can only make it happen 50% of the way. It's up to the other person to make it 100%, since you can't be married to yourself. I guess that's what I've learned from my brother's divorce. You can love a person all you want and make sacrifices for them, but if they don't love or work just as hard, the relationship can't happen. I'm not saying there's an in balance in my relationship with Marcus or anything like that. I'm just saying, I wonder what will happen to us?

Abundance is loving someone
and being able to live your lives together.